Somethings do not change

Just when I slowly started getting the feel that I started remembering things, I go back to the usual stuff "forgetting things". This happened today.
I was in my office which is in third floor. I was preparing to leave to home in the evening and got everything ready. I got down to the ground floor. It is then I realized I did not check if I had my cell phone with me. I checked all my pockets (pant and blazer). I did not find it. So, I realized I forgot it in the office and had to reach the third floor again to get my cell phone. I went to the office and checked my messy desk (However messy my desk looks, I somehow happen to locate the things I need). I did not find it there.. I started thinking where had I left.. After searching the desk and thinking for like 5-10 minutes, I realized that my shirt also had a pocket and the cell was in my shirt pocket loong before I planned to leave the office.... uffff... WTH... I didn't change......

Flash Back

Two days back, I happened to talk to my teacher who taught me Class X Math. In fact, he was the only teacher who thought that I would do something in life.. Such was the confidence he had in me. I too knew that he had it.. As usual.. at that time, I was so vibrant and enthusiastic to achieve SOMETHING in life and show that ya.. I did it..
When I was talking to him, he was talking about things like.. "I knew you will go very far", "Your parents will be proud", etc... For some reason or the other, inspite of feeling proud, I started feeling guilty.. But, I was just talking to him in normal tone.. and once the call ended, I started thinking.. WHY DID I FEEL GUILTY WHEN HE WAS PRAISING ME???????
It lead me to that 'SOMETHING' I mentioned in the first paragraph. What was that SOMETHING to me at that time?? It was studying well.. why to study well?? To earn lots and lots of money.. Ya.., this was the main reason which kept me driving to take IIT twice and enter IT-BHU(No wonder my frnds called me DTS in Intermediate.. ;)). So, once I was in BHU, I felt.. "Yes.. Now I am gonna do a Masters and do a great job in US and earn $$$$$... Send some back to home.. (A typical Andhra guy thinking... ) and help others in need..".
What am I doing now??? On the path of doing a PhD....... How did I end up doing a PhD when my main aim was to earn $$$$..?? It changed sometime in my third year.... Though I never worked hard, I always felt like I should not work harder than I am supposed to (I atleast did not work enough, I know.. ;))... I started thinking "Why do I need LOTS N LOTS of money??" What will I do with it?? I also started feeling that having lots of money than necessary will invite more enemies, thieves, etc.. ha ha.. Really.. that is wht I felt and also feel now.. :P.. So, since one of my driving forces, to earn lots of $$$, has been removed from my brain, the other dormant forces became prominent like helping parents and others.. So, I got to do some job to do that.. Just can't stay idle and earn money for living... After weighing all the options, it is then I decided to do a PhD and settle in life as a prof (there are other reasons for choosing the teaching profession, will blog sometime later). (Ya.. of course coming back to India, which my parents did not like)... :P And so, here is Siva doing a PhD in US (Still earning $ (not $$$$$$.. ;))) and also helping parents and others.. :) So, basically the previous dormant forces rose.. :P
Now coming back to that guilty feeling.. When my teacher was praising for my achievements, I had a feeling like.. If he knows that I will be coming back to India (not earning $$$), what will he say?? Will he be saying the same words?? I donno.. But for sure, this present life is so much satisfactory that from some 2 years, I stopped being enthusiastic.. Life is just going on.... So, let it go.. types.. :P {May be when I meet him this summer, I will ask him and find out what he thinks.. :)}